I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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