Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I want to be your penis for a week.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize