Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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