i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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