you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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