I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
