I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
