she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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