Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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