Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
