I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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