if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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