the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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