I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
my poor anus
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
