Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
