Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
