good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
