I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
