You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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