I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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