Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
