I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
not ubering you a puppy
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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