I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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