I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
