I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize