I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
