So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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