Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
soo... how was my night?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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