I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
