Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
