All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize