Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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