Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize