She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I want to be your penis for a week.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
