Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
