just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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