i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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