I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
