if i can run in heels then i can drive
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
