The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
