I looked at my own cervix.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
