Three words: puerto rican gang bang
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
