dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
