I think I won the penis lottery.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
