I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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