Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
