I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
