It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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