he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
