Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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