this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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