Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
