my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
