i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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