Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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