Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize