Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
